Sunday morning arguments with my mind!

It is Sunday morning, and my mind is almost awake, but I am still fast asleep. I know this, as I am already negotiating with my mind to give me more time to sleep before it takes over my life. There’s a lingering feeling of that nice deep sleep that needs to be had, even if it is for 30 minutes, just to satisfy my soul. To consciously say I had a good sleep.

Apart from some dreams, I actually don't remember how the rest of my sleep was, last night. I know I was asleep but the quality of the sleep is something I cannot speak to. I was lights out and unconscious in my state of sleep. I wasn't speaking to my mind in my sleep - or rather I think so. I left my mind when I fell asleep. Soon as I finished tossing, turning and found that sweet comforting spot, I gave my bed the responsibility of taking care of my body.

Violent sounds of something sending miniature but loud vibrations to the wooden bedside table grew louder and brought back my consciousness. My bedside table experienced tremors - I will inspect the damage later. Then there were quick and sudden movements next to me in bed, and sounds of my bedsheets being violently roughed up and thrown up to uncover me from the comfort of the warmth of the bed. It was actually my wife’s theatrics in action, diving to reach out to a phone to put off the alarm at 6:00 am. Sorry - she said. I wasn’t amused, I don’t like waking up early, especially on a Sunday. I mean didn’t God say we should rest on this day? Can this day be everyday too?. Wait, there was still another alarm that went off. Is that you? We asked each other... no one is sure. We are both having bloodshot eyes and at shock. We are traumatised. We were just peacefully sleeping, and no one wants to pass blame - apparently we have to be nice to each other.

After a second, which felt like a minute of enduring irritating unnecessary noise on Sunday morning, I figured the sound is coming from the living room. Should I let her go figure it out? What if it is coming from my phone? It would be unfair to her, also my bedside is closest to where the sound is coming from. Luckily, today we are in a 1 bedroom unit, the living room is just a few steps away, but on a Sunday morning while half asleep and having to walk on cold floor tiles, it felt like a ten kilometer walk. Everything was being done to wake me up at 6:00am on a Sunday morning. She said I am so sorry...I said, its ok, but I wasn't smiling. I thought even a smile will take away the nice deep sleep I still yearned for.

I entered bed again, the conversations with my mind are now getting full blown. We have declared violence against each other. I want to sleep and my mind wants to wonder and disturb my peace.

My hip touched touched her skin, my mind jumped in... see? there was an exchange of warmth, it felt nice. I told myself don't start what you can't finish. But what do you mean? my mind asked. Ok, not that I can't - its just that its that time of the month for her. Even if I knock on the door and with gifts, no door shall be opened. There will be no receiving from the ask - even if Jesus said otherwise.

Ok, can I please just have some quiet and enjoy some sleep? My mind ignored me. It went on to remind me of the signs of being above 40 with responsibilities is all about. It is past 6am, and the morning salutations have not taken place. What? Yes, s**t you are right. I convinced myself that there’s no need for the salutations this morning. There won’t be any appreciation or rewards anyway. But my mind played me well. It got me thinking. Morning salutations are key, the proud reminder of being of a male species, but now it’s like I have to beg to get the respect I deserve for myself. It is supposed to happen naturally without thought or effort. I failed to manually jump start the "D" using my mind’s imposed thoughts and fears. Anyway, I got over it after several attempts. So, can I sleep now? Let’s declare a truce

I heard light footsteps leaving the room. It was my wife going to the bathroom. My mind followed her. I asked my mind, why? All I need is a good half an hour deep sleep. My mind forced me to listen. The sounds of everything she was doing in the bathroom - details spared. I started imagining! Does she know my mind followed her and can hear and make out most of what she is doing? Is her mind also wondering if we can hear her, or maybe she cares less and is just enjoying her doings? I called my mind back to order. Can you please just let her enjoy her privacy ?

My mind was at it again. It said, "You have difficult but important questions that you haven’t asked yourself.” Oh really? Now you think you know me? - I responded.

My mind arrogantly said, "Yes! You actually have questions. Why are you confused and unsure about why you wake up in the morning?

Mind! I called it with an angry face, all I need is 30 minutes of sleep, please. But I couldn’t help but ask myself, how do I feel and how should I feel when I wake up? What do I really wake up to and why?

The simple truth is I am here, awake and breathing - even if I still feel like I need half an hour more of sleep. The hard truth is that I didn’t seem to have a good reason as to what I wake up to in the morning. The immediate answers that came to mind were heavy on my heart. They reasonated with responsibilities and tasks that I have to accomplish. What to eat, what to wear, unpaid bills, unifinished projects, and what to do, to make it through the day - who wouldn’t go back to sleep and forget about this nonsense?

I did not like my answers, I asked myself again, "What would be a lighter reason to wake up that my heart can take?” What if I don’t think about what to eat, what to wear, or what to do?

Somehow, the thought of not thinking or worrying about these things immediately made my heart feel lighter. Although it did not give ansl answer to why I wake up but it gave me a pleasant reminder that waking up can also be filled with light hearted emotions and give me more reasons to look forward to waking-up.

I decided to send my mind outdoors to wonder and give me some alone time. Of course, it couldn’t leave me, so we wondered together. How is the sky looking like this morning? How are the trees and leaves looking like this morning? We figured the sky is like a big space of nothingness, that sometimes gets filled with clouds, but somehow there’s something beautiful about it either way. So are the bushes and trees. They are literally just that "bushes and trees," but there’s beauty in their rough edginess. So, mind, is that a reason to wake up in the morning? I asked. Clearly not for the sky, not for the trees nor the bushes, so waking up to what, then?

Wake up to nothingness! It was like there was a gentle third party to our conversation who, through that answer to us - maybe just to save us from the ordeal of bickering with each other.

Mmmh, what if I just woke up to nothingness? - I thought to myself. It feels nice when I think about it, but what about the responsibilities, tasks, and things to do that I usually wake up to? Are they important or necessary? This is a tough one. If this can’t put me back to sleep, then what would?

Some magical thoughts came to mind! I am yet to find something ugly about the nothingness of the sky or the earth, when it is just being. The more I look into the sky, be it during the day or at night, I get fascinated. At night, the sky is dark, but sometimes it is filled with glitters of stars to make it beautiful. Even if it is pitch black and covered by clouds and no moonlight, it is still fascinating to see. It fascinatingly adapts and changes its colours in the morning, afternoon, and evening as the universe continues about to do its own. This being in nothingness, adapting and uncontrolling nature of the sky in itself is fascinating.

So my mind, now that you wouldn't allow me to rest, tomorrow, I will wake up fascinated by who I am.

Wake up to nothingness, change colors at night, in the morning, in the afternoon and in the evening depending on the intesity of light shining upon and within me.

My mind! I tell you, I wake up to a worry-free life. I wake up to all is well. I wake up to light-hearted emotions and feelings. I wake up to beauty. I wake up to the flow of life. I wake up to the reason I am here - which I am yet to figure out - but no rush, I am still here anyway.

Just in case you mistakenly thought I have it all figured out , I can’t yet tell the difference between voices in my head, my thoughts, my mind, and I. But for 40 minutes, this conversation took place in my head. Oh! incase I forgot, did I eventually sleep for 30 minutes? It is 6:40 am.