Part 1 of 2: Healing from "emotional turmoil"
Are you feeling emotionally hurt, disappointed, let down, or unhappy? Do you know why? Do you really know why? How do you heal from this phenomenon that I refer to as "emotional turmoils"? As humans, we think, imagine, and create our realities. In this "mtazamo wangu wa leo" (my today’s perspective), I unpack, from my understanding, how we create this reality. I also unpack the realization that, as we create our own realities, we also do create expectations "in most cases."
You must be wondering, so what has "emotional turmoil" and healing from them have to do with expectations? Stick with me. This is your captain speaking, and I will be taking you through an exciting journey to healing by managing your expectations. So sit back, relax, and enjoy my soulful hospitality.
Have you ever cared for someone so much, only to realise they have no interest whatsoever of your care for them? If your are above 18, you know what I mean. Its like thank you, but no thank you. How does being unappreciated feel? It hurts, confuses, raises anxiety and list goes on, but why does it feel that way? In my view, it feels that way because of the expectations we set when creating the realities we live in. Stay with me, I will explain this further in a bit. Managing our expectations is the most powerful and natural prescription we need to heal from the hurt, pain, and confusion that we experience from our day to day realities.
How do we create realities?
In one of my previous mtazamo wangu (my perspective) entitled "No "buts" in trusting the Universe", I unpacked the need to learn how to trust the Universe, as She always answers or give us what we ask, pray, or wish for. Creating realities begins here. We crave for something, we want something or someone so badly, we ask, we pray for situations, we wish for things, people, circumstances etc., we want to get drunk, we want to go on holidays, we want to be alone, we pray for a new boss or change of job, we pray for the sick, we plead for a change in a situation or circumstance. But remember, the Universe has very big ears, She carefully listens and cater to our needs. As such, we are constantly creating and recreating realities. But creating realities comes with some element of having expectations. So...
Where do expectations come from?
You are probably wondering, what is the connection between creating realities and expectations? The simplistic answer to this compex question is that "when we ask for something, it is not necessarily just because we can, in most cases it is because we actually expect a certain outcome". It is almost only natural that every ask, request, wish or deed has some form of expectation. Expectations come from us, based on our values, belief system or the norms set by the communities we live in.
Sometimes, if not more often than not, our expectations are far from the realities we get to live. This mismatch between the reality we live and our expectations is what causes emotional turmoils. Priest should not have kids, Governments should not be corrupt, don't drink and drive, don't have unprotected sex,....yes, as we evolve we come to realise, in reality, what is not can also be what is.
When me- your captain- was a teenager, I also had my first crush "romantic feelings awakening", I pursued her the old way - sending letters and messages through a friend of a her friend and other friends trying to win her heart. For the longest time she never really said yes, nor did she say no...arrrgh.. the emotional turmoil checked in. Sometimes when I imagined her saying yes, I had a feeling of happiness and hope, but sometimes when there was total silence and no response to my messages or letters, it came with a feeling of rejection, loss of hope and disappointments. Simply put, my state of emotional turmoils were directly linked to the expectations I had in my world. A YES from her meant happy, love sick vibes, conquerer and a NO from her meant a feeling of loss, rejection, and disappointment.
But why do our expectations lead us to emotional turmoil?
When we ask or want something, in a very subtle way and sometimes unconsciously, we set biased expectations. Key word here is "biased". We ask or wish with an expectation that we will not only get what we ask but also get it in a certain way. We already have a perception of the outcome of our ask.
As a kid, I remember having to ask for permission to go play or sleep over at a friends house. Of course, I only expected a YES from my parents. In my world, a YES to my ask, is the most logical answer any parent should give to a child they love so much. Shock on me! some asks, were met with a big NO. I used to feel so bad, and would cry, and try to insist how important it is for me to go for a sleep over, only that I didn't know how to throw real tantrums, although, even if I did, I can see how my Aunty would be looking at me with a kind of a grin to remind me that I have no clue with who I am dealing with - so "get your acts together" in a minute. So, why did I feel hurt when I wasn't allowed to go play at a friends house?
Our emotional turmoils, particularly the sad feelings, hurt, disappointment etc., are a representation of that "unmet expectation". Remember, in a very subtle way or sometimes unconsciously, we set certain expectations or percieve certain outcomes when making a wish or asking for something. My point here is, if we explore deep within us, the hurt, pain, and disappointments we experience are deeply rooted and connected with the expectations we set when asking, making a wish or praying.
This phenomenon, gets a bit more confusing in relationships. Sadly, the many reasons we blame, get disappointed or hurt by others is also deeply rooted in what we expect of others. I need to be careful here by saying that, feeling hurt or disappointment from an unmet expectation is validated. As ernegy beings, such feelings and emotions are probably a gateway to help us understand in what "energy state" we are in, given the situation or circumstance "reality" we are facing. However, to be able to heal from the feelings of hurt, pain, and disappointments, it is very important to acknowledge that their source is primarily the subtle and sometimes unconscious expectations we set forth.
When we give a gift to someone, we are conditioned to expect a "thank you". It is considered a common courtesy. But imagine gifting someone who will just take the gift, without saying "aaawww, I am so happy" or thank you, and just walks away. First of all, our belief system could go into a some sort of a shock, like a paper jam in a printer. We then might consider the recipient to lack manners or good values - probably correct, but beyond that label, we get annoyed with such bad mannerisms. Key word here is "annoyed".
Why do we get annoyed? We are annoyed because our biased conscious expects a thank you. But what if, the recipient didn't see the need to say thank you? Should you be annoyed at him/her? Assuming you intentionally and genuinely gave the gift and you rightly did your part, why get annoyed and make it your issue if you don't get a thank you? or even worse, why think of getting a thank you in the first place? It is simply because we have underlying expectations.
The effects of this unconscious bias syndrome of expectations constantly hits us by surprise and it manisfests in feelings of being annoyed, hurt, and disappointment. It also manifests in a form of judging others for not conforming to your expectations. So, how do you heal from being annoyed, hurt, disappointed or from the need to judge others? See you in the second part of this mtazamo wangu wa leo, where we will explore how managing expectations heals.
